Her name is actually Lucy Langmore, and she didn’t normally dress like this, but ever since she did a one-week vacation to Paris last summer where she picked up smoking, she’s totally Franceified herself. Now she greets everybody with “bonjour” and wears counterfeit Chanel handbags. We said it seemed kind of unprofessional to light a cigarette for our official staff page, but she insists it’s all about looking the "I-hardly tried-today French way." She thinks she's suddenly allergic to gluten because she's constantly tired, but nobody can seem to convince her that smoking a kilo of tobacco and eating three croissants a day is probably the root cause, because apparently "that's the French diet," according to this one-time tourist.

Apparently Gene is an influencer cause he posted a video of a guy falling out a window and it got like 15 million views on TikTok, and ever since then he calls himself the "king of content." He works on commission-only basis but clients aren’t really sold on his whole persona so he hasn’t actually done anything in awhile, I don't know how he pays rent. Last year he took an ancestry DNA test and it came back with 1% Irish and he took it wayyy too seriously, now he only eats potatoes and goat cheese. He usually just hangs around cause he said he's hiding from his brother-in-law over an argument about $200, but it’s totally "not his fault" and everything’s "strictly business" or whatever.

This pup wandered in one day smelling like, well, a lot of things. We figured he got loose so we put a post on Facebook for a lost dog, but we realized he’s so cute and we didn’t want to give him up, so we took the post down and bleached his fur so nobody would recognize him. We call him spud cause he's kind of shaped like one. He’s also our certified Potato Inspector General; if we have a potato and we’re not sure if it has gone bad, we’ll feed it to spud first. If he’s fine, it’s a good potato. If he starts foaming at the mouth, it’s a bad potato.

Katz is our lead sound engineer, and an aspiring DJ on the side. He looks like he's like 40 but he insists he's 22. He’s pretty chill, we told him he should try seeking other passions, but he really thinks he'll be famous one day. We don’t have him on payroll, we just have a storage room in the back that was empty, so we let Katz put his drum set and music equipment back there and he just hangs out and makes music all day, but his mixtapes are kind of garbage. Apparently he taught himself Japanese and one day we saw him speaking Japanese on a Zoom call, but you could totally tell he was faking it because his screen was showing an eBay shopping cart of hair-loss pills lol.

Notwhitney brings an atmosphere of joy to the office, and she has an incredible talent for singing. In fact, there was this one time she had a little too much to drink and started rambling on about how she used to be a world-famous singer, and then she faked her death to escape a bunch of debt, but when we asked about it the next morning, she denied everything. She's been with us since 2012, we offered her a full-time gig but she said she's happy being a free intern and claims she lost her social security card anyway.

T-AT0 (generally known by TaTo) is our AI-powered potato and data scientist. We feed it data and insights about consumers and trends, and it generates invaluable data on targeting and audience metrics. We had a computer engineer from Google stop by one day and the guy took one look at T-AT0 and swore up and down that it had become sentient and was gathering data on the entire population in anticipation for world domination, but frankly TikTok is already doing that so, just let us have our robot potato, dude.

We’re not really sure if Tater Baker is even his real name, but he asked us to call him Strat Daddy and we said no way, so he settled on "the math-magician" instead. He spends most of his time drinking coffee and never shuts up about how he makes his own cold brew. We thought he looks a lot like if Rich Silverstein's face had Anselmo Ramos' beard, Gwyneth Paltrow's eyes, Murray Bauman's glasses, and Tom Hanks’ hair from the 2000 Academy Award-winning hit Cast Away, but we tried to tell him that and he said it’s the most absurd thing he’s ever heard.

Old Man Joe is a national treasure, he was there when they invented dirt, he'll probably outlive the sun, and he knows everything there is to know about growing potatoes. He's a great storyteller so we often get his input on copy and storyboards. He loves to talk about the bloodshed in the Greek-Macedonian Uprising, or how cocaine was totally legal back in the old days. We enjoy having him around cause he brings in free potatoes and he's just happy to have someone listen to him tell the same four-hour story over and over about how his little sister beat type-II diabetes by smoking menthol cigarettes when she was five-years-old.

We call him contact because he didn’t give me his name when I wrote this page, just his email contact@potato.expert, so now I call him contact. He’s like the founder, CEO, CCO, CFO, CMO, director of accounts, head of strategy, and executive decision maker or whatever for this whole shabang. In fact I think he's the only one around here who actually works. He's completely covered in tattoos but they kind of look like the drawings on that one desk in the back-row of a high school classroom. I asked him what's the key to success and he said "I don't know," and that's the most honest, straightforward response I've ever gotten to that question.

We all know this industry can be tough, and this small company can’t really afford great insurance policies, so our founder had someone rewrite the code for a 1998 chatbot into a digital therapist and basically she just gives us the worst advice at the worst possible time. We thought about contracting her out for some side-income, but her reviews tanked, so she’s open-source now and you can use her for free by clicking here.

Not much is known about him, we like to call him Bosnian Bill because we think he’s from Bosnia and his real name is hard to pronounce. He doesn’t speak much, and if you ask about his life, he generally replies with something to the effect of “don't ask questions you don't want answers to.” We usually invite him to client meetings because he looks really scary and it makes people uncomfortable. He made it clear he didn’t want his picture taken, so we had to grab this blurry CCTV shot from one night when he was dissolving a human-shaped garbage bag in a bucket of hydrofluoric acid out back. He said it was just a bag of asbestos but I don't know.

Cardboard Captain Jack holds the door open on summer days and stands in the window all night long so his silhouette scares any would-be thieves away. We don't remember how we hired him, in fact think someone pulled him out of a stack of cardboard behind a high-school library or something.